


Frond of You

by burning_nova



Series: The Romances of Fern!Tony [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fern!Tony, M/M, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-02
Updated: 2014-08-02
Packaged: 2018-02-11 10:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2064633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burning_nova/pseuds/burning_nova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce interrupts Tony's happy time and believes he's an impostor.  No, Tony Stark is not an impostor, he's simply part fern.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frond of You

“Tony, what are you doing?” Bruce asked as he entered the penthouse’s main room. Tony was watching a gardening show with unusual interest. That was unusual to say the least; he wanted to make sure this was Tony and not an impostor. 

“Nothing.” Came the husky reply. Was he watching porn on his phone? Bruce walked closer, standing behind the chair Tony was sitting in. No phone but he did have one hell of an erection. 

“Are you turned on by someone hand pollinating flowers?”

“Oh yeah.” Tony froze, seeming to realize what he had just said. 

“I mean, no. No. That’d be weird.” So Tony was into plant sex, not the most deviant thing a billionaire has been into but certainly amongst the strangest. 

“Look I’m just going to-“ he saw a green thing sprout from Tony’s hair. He backed away. 

“JARVIS, initiate lockdown.” 

“Bruce! Wait!” Tony’s impostor called. “I can explain.”

“Yeah? What you’re an impostor.” He could feel himself start to transform.

“No! I’m me. I have always been Tony Stark and have always been able to do this.” He tugged at the curled green thing dangling from his hair. He coughed and looked embarrassed. “I’m part fern.”

The transformation stopped. 

“What.” Because what. 

“I’m half fern. Howard and Maria had sex in the green house of a country home we used to have. Mom didn’t want kids and Howard didn’t have a condom so he uh released onto a fern’s sporangium. They didn’t think anything of it until one of the gardeners called them nine months later saying a baby was in the green house. 

“They were going to call the police but Dad said to wait. He took one look at me and knew I was his, I was a Stark. Howard had access to a bit of genetic tests and confirmed it. Also some of Mom’s DNA must have been on Dad because I have her DNA too, not a lot of it but I’m still Maria Stark’s son.” Tony took a deep breath. 

“The genetic test also revealed I was part plant, the fern did more than gestate me. It was one of my parents.”

“What.” 

“JARVIS, back me up buddy?”

“Sir is correct.” JARVIS intoned a moment later. “He is and has always been part fern.”

“You’re part fern.”

“Yes.”

“And that green thing-“

“A frond.” 

“Is because you’re aroused.”

“A bit, yeah.”

“Watching gardening programs is porn for you.”

“I still like people porn.”

“You’re part fern.”

“Bruce, you got to get past that if we’re going to get anywhere.”

“Your mom and dad had sex. He pulled out, got his semen plus Maria Stark’s DNA on a fern. And nine months later you showed up like a cabbage patch kid.” He summarized. 

“Exactly.” A thought occurred to him as a hint of green caught his attention.

“Is that fern over there your fern mother?” Tony looked sheepish but nodded. 

“She’s the only one I have left.” Oh God, Bruce wished he could still get drunk comfortably. 

“I-“ What exactly was he supposed to do? “This is not the weirdest thing I have heard in my life. I don’t know what to say about that.”

“Hopefully nothing? I don’t want people dissecting me or trying to create more fern babies from my fern mom.”

“I have to ask, all those days we sometimes see you go without eating. You tell us you have food hidden everywhere-“

“Not a lie.” And as if by magic pulled out a bag of raisins from behind the seat he had been in. 

“Did you get by through photosynthesis?”

“I wish. I’m not able to grow enough leaves for it.” he popped a raisin into his mouth. Bruce followed the movement for several reasons. 

“If you eat another plant is that cannibalism?” Tony’s hand stopped an inch from his mouth. He looked at the raisin. 

“I never thought about it like that.” He put the raisin back in its case. “Now my appetite is gone.” He cleared his throat. “So no telling?”

“No, your fern secret is safe with me.” Tony smiled, his big Stark smile. 

“Great, thanks, Brucie.” He leered. “Want to help me finish what you interrupted?” It was meant as a joke, he knew that. Yet Bruce couldn’t help but respond:

“Yes.” The answer caught Tony by surprise but he grinned predatorily at him. 

“Want to help me with my green problem then?” Bruce wrinkled his nose.

“That was awful.”

“Oh shut up and get over here.” Bruce couldn’t argue that. He began to undress. A quick make out session on the floor, a trail of clothing to the nearest surface-

“Half your dick is leaves.” 

“Fronds and it’s my pubic hair not my dick.” 

“Is it always going to be like that?”

“Only if I watch plant porn before hand.”

“Do they fall out or do you have to –“

“For God’s sake, Bruce we can science about it later. Sex first.”

“Right.” 

Bruce was about to place his hand on Tony’s dick when the green caught his attention again. 

“Bruce!”

“She’s looking at me.”

“Who?”

“Your fern mother.”

“She doesn’t have eyes. She can’t see you. Hell, she doesn’t have a brain to judge you.”

“She knows I’m about to have sex with her son.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

“Don’t throw your shirt over your mom!”

“She’s a fern! She’ll be fine!”

“Bedroom.”

“Bruce!”

“Bedroom.” 

“Fine, but first thing tomorrow, mom’s going back in the greenhouse.”

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19458.h tml?thread=45638402#t45638402
> 
> Earlier today I misread a Bruce/fem!Tony-tag as Bruce/fern!Tony. I think this calls for a crack fic. I don't even really care what you do with it, maybe Tony's an actual fern with a consciousness or maybe he's half fern half man. Feel free to go absolutely crazy with this one.


End file.
